Mostly posts to myself, personal tales of enchantments. :)

This is where I keep all posts before turning them over to Blogger. Facebook. Maybe Multiply, from time to time.

I never fully understand what Disney films do to me, and maybe I never will. I only know that each time I step out of the moviehouse after watching one I always feel that I want to draw nonstop until I run out of sketch pads. Or that I want to doodle and try to make sense of the euphoria it gives me. It's a curious reaction.

For a person who is easily seduced by ironies and is perenially fascinated by complexities, perhaps to say that I am awed (without question) by a fairytale is highly dubious. We can argue all we want, but this is a fact that cannot be denied - with every animated Disney movie that I am able to watch, I have always felt reacquainted with wonder; and that this wonder can be marvelously endless.

On the other hand, the Disney movies also bring to light the tragic fact that it takes so little to actually amaze me. :) A nightsky so clear you can actually see an arm of the Milky Way; very beautiful clouds on a day of perfect weather; a patch of flowers somewhere unexpected. Really Disney-like scenes, huh? :) Someone once said that my sensibilities are like that of a child - it took me a while before I understood that observation. To cut the story short, it was pointed out to me that the things that make me happy or angry can also make a grade school student happy or angry: that unimaginative penchant for stuffed toys and all things cartoony; this utter dislike for people who break their promises due to the immutable realities of life. Etcetera etcetera ad infinitum. I said that this scenario isn't an isolated case, and for as long as my behavior isn't childish, I believe that having this type of sensibility is appallingly normal. I still like watching news and I still lose weight obsessing over company objectives. Hardly your average childish person so far.

It's the Disney movies that highlight the part of me which get awed by the logically ordinary, among other things. By any other means, it is this little bottle of happiness in times when it seems all the negativity in the world is piling up on me. They unfailingly bring to mind that I have always liked the phrase "barely scratching the surface". It's what I feel when I give up time to draw in favor of the things that keep society running. I am barely scratching the surface; I am not done baking, so I am not cookies yet; I will never give up on my dreams - of becoming a gingerbread girl or a new type of doughnut character on the next Disney film franchise maybe. :) Who knows? The next big thing on Disney may already be residing in my over active imagination. Kind of like a flower that blooms in adversity, as a Disney movie once said. :)

I should have Woody Allen's, "80% of success is just showing up" quotation etched in wood. I will hang it on my wall and let that maxim take me from 2010 to 2011. And beyond.

It makes sense that someone who shows up at the door, inspite of the thousand excuses one can come up with, has more success than someone just sitting at home. Showing up is like an attempt to do something, like if I don’t attempt to take part in a race then there is definitely no question of winning.

It is bravery. It is courage in copious amounts. It was what I needed.

This year, I've proven a lot of things by bravery alone; it's what saved me from misery in some instances. A few times it was just some prankish remark I dared to say in front of people who should hear them, most of the time it was me standing by what I said. Committedly. It was also in the form of owning up to a fault... or to a truth someone deserved to hear early on. There is bravery in deciding in behalf of 10 people in as much as deciding for yourself.

It doesn't pay off every time, but it was okay. It IS okay. For the things that didn't turn out good, I'll charge it to experience. Doing something right doesn't always mean I will have my way, I know that life is skewed like that. I also happen to know that I should not let things spin off in a direction that is more dramatic than it's supposed to be.

I am no longer torn, as I have decided a few weeks ago. I stood my ground. I suppose the part where I got sad after dealing with the issue cannot be avoided - there really was something there; and while it can't be denied that I wavered not just once, what was left to do at that point was to acknowledge the hollow feeling of leaving something that could have been so good.

There really is no point in stalling where you leave someone stranded, so you move on.

I have been plagued by very silly thoughts for some time now. Today, I was not able to contain a particular one any longer, so while my friends and I were still having the standard what’s-new-with-you conversations over dinner I went ahead and asked them: if the Philippines will form its own Justice League, who will our members be? I told them I was at my wit’s end filling the gaps.

I know that JLA’s roster of superheroes have been varying over the years but for the sake of conversation, let’s narrow it down to the following: Superman, Wonder Woman, Batman, The Flash, Green Lantern, Hawkgirl…let’s also include Aquaman. I told them that Superman and Wonder Woman came easily to me – their local counterparts would be Captain  Barbell and Darna, of course. (Darna also happens to be my all-time favorite Pinay superheroine) But what of the rest? Was it permissible to let Lastikman represent The Flash? Claire commented that Lastikman seems young to be in the roster, but she said she cannot think of anyone who could be a local Flash even by a stretch. I cracked up when she randomly suggested Nardong Putik. I thought he was too muddy to be let inside a posh headquarters so I ruled him out.

I enumerated Panday, Dyesebel, Alwyna of Mulawin, Kapitan Boom, Dragonna and let’s not forget Zuma, I said in jest. Randy excitedly said Pepeng Agimat and I said that he could be Green Lantern since they both use a talisman. PB mentioned Pedro Penduko and a superhero character played by Maricel Soriano in her younger years, she just couldn’t remember the name. I asked her if that character saved people in distress and she said she remembers as much – her weapons were those used by a ‘labandera’, palo palo and those things. I laughed at the idea and told her she didn’t fit in my imagination.

So eventually, we all agreed Superman – Captain Barbell; Wonder Woman – Darna; The Flash – Lastikman; Green Lantern – Pepeng Agimat; Hawkgirl – Alwyna and Aquaman – Dyesebel, opposite gender.

But we were all stumped with Batman; I told them this was really eating me. I asked them if it’s any indication that poverty is that deeply ingrained even with the Pinoy writers? And is it being subliminally causal to poverty (to some extent or whatever) since we feed the imaginations of the younger generation with our superheroes who aren’t the slightest like Batman?  Look at Panday - swordsmith, he probably isn’t even required to pay taxes. Tyagong Akyat (played by Gerald Anderson) and Pepeng Agimat (I’m not sure with the name, but I am sure Jolo Revilla played a character like this recently) and Pedro Penduko (played by Matt Evans) are not too far behind either. Claire said that we really can’t do a Batman for as long as we remain a Third World country – I thought why couldn’t it be possible for a Pinoy character to own a city like Gotham and have that kind of influence? Maybe Manny Villar can fill in the gap? : )

Aww, Batman. Thoughts of you keep running in my head

The past weeks haven’t been so good to my social life. I have become socially and bloggingly inept, and the only window I had to my friends’ lives was Facebook. Thank God for Facebook. And for really good neighbors. I haven’t told everybody, but last week was particularly miserable for the whole family. I will spare the world wide web the tumultuous details but I can only say this: I was probably born into the family I belong to right now because Someone up there knew that somewhere along the way, I was going to be the perfect person to help another person in the same genetic pool. It’s fuzzy logic I know.

Other than that, I realized I live in a pretty trustworthy neighborhood. Since my brother was the informally appointed nurse (ergo he cannot be at home when I was), there were a lot of times last week that I was all alone. I usually leave very early in the morning and I was accustomed to not locking the door – my brother wakes up when I leave anyway. For this same reason (which I conclude is a force of habit), there was a day last week that I completely forgot to secure the front door. I was horrified to have found that out when I was trying to unlock it that same evening and realized the click I heard was the opposite of the click I usually hear. Thankfully, everything was in its place - even the crumpled way my pillow looks, even the careless manner my sister’s scrub suit was draped on the couch.

That was half of it. The other time consuming parts were excruciatingly devoted to work. I can’t explain this, but I cannot think of anything else when I’m in the thick of things at the laboratory. It must be that more and more people are depending on me, and while I find it overwhelming sometimes, it really is sort of flattering (flattering as a relative term, but not exactly the operative word here). Or.. it may just be that the first quarter of the year is coming to a close and everybody is still at a loss as to how else the Quarter Targets can be met. Or exceeded, for those who have hit theirs. Lucky people.

My officemate pointed out that I never seem to run out of visitors in the lab. He said that every time the door opens, it’s my name he hears being called out. I guess it’s a small price to pay for fame. Hahaha : )

I must be doing something right. I know I have committed to be less serious than I was last year, but I never realized that that resolution could be measurable. In fact, I even thought it was foolish of me to have resolved to be something I am not biologically wired to be, but in the past week alone, two people have commented that I seem to be less defensive (about things I previously deemed non-negotiable) and that I look.. well, happier.

I have done this in probably as little as 10 times before (i know it’s such a lousy number, please don’t remind me), but it never ceases to amaze me. When I write what I want to achieve and think about it constantly – and give it a little more than or equal to 90% conviction (pardon me, in my case it will never be a hundred I suppose. My brain just doesn’t want to accept it), it really does ‘coincidentally’  happen. To tell the truth, I am really not a big fan of this “thoughts are things” schematics – but it seems pretty effective to actually ignore it.

But this bugs me. Can a system of personal beliefs be toppled by just a single upward lurch of conviction? Can one really outthink the brain?

Or perhaps there really is this airborne kind of “universal conspiracy” when one opens up to the endless possibilities of life. I don’t even completely understand what I just wrote, but it seems so right to say it.

1. We should commit our lives to a cause greater than ourselves. We've all heard this from Batman Begins, I know. But it makes sense.

2. It is important to take a stand and choose a side.

3. Telling the truth is never easy. It is something not practiced religiously however morally upright a person is. Telling the truth does not always guarantee a happy ending. I still prefer it though, including the pain it can inflict. I prefer honesty over any other virtue.

4. I believe in the power of dreams.

5. Cynicism is a personal choice.

6. I believe in Newton’s Third Law with all my heart.

7. We still have a lot to learn about the properties of water. Did you know that in chemistry books, it is always the chapter on liquids that is the shortest?

8. A person will be more tolerant of other people's flaws once they have been ostracized in some way.

9. You have to be friends with somebody before you fall in love with them.(i.e., I don’t believe in love at first sight)

10. I believe in what Niccolo Machiavelli has said - “Men usually judge by what they see, not what they feel. For all men can see a thing, but few can come close enough to touch it”.

11. To really experience the best things in this world, we really need to take risks. It would always require a leap of faith.

12. I’m not finished becoming whoever it is I’m gonna turn out to be.

There were books given to me in my younger years that I still pine for - loss of such books haven't been compensated by other books I have acquired through the years. One such book was given to me by my dad; I used to pore over it almost everyday when I still had it. I lost it after only a few years because I was too shy to reclaim the book from the borrower. Awful self-confidence.

The book had drawings of M.C. Escher and his irregular perspectives.



Drawing Hands


Ascending Descending


Reptiles

There's only the thinnest chance of failing if you have all the resources you need, right? If Murphy's Law comes into play, the rate is still simply asymptotic - the distance to failure approaches zero but that's it.

The flipside to this therefore is that if one does not have the requisite resources, the chances for failure are high, excluding the amount of passion involved.

If a non-overwhelming passion is involved - I still refuse to believe that a person can be a great _____ (fill in the blanks here) if what he has is just the passion for _______ (again, fill in the appropriate noun here). There is an undeniable need for instruments or venues to translate the abstract; there is a need to present to the general audience a tangible proof of this particularly undying devotion. The response to this output is a gauge as to how many tangential millimeters a person is to failure/success once he is pitted against other people with the same passion for _______.

I reread the paragraph above and used Filipinos and Nationalism in the blanks. It still works, but it sounds so horribly competitive.